ETRAYA INBOX.

[reconstruction]

"This is Connor. Leave a message." ( TEXT | AUDIO | VIDEO | ACTION )

Comments

text, un:castiel_2

[depressant]

dean called us both "little". i was trying to figure out if he meant it in a positive or negative way

[ and here's the part he wouldn't admit on the network, ]

i'd hoped he was flirting. wishful thinking

@RK800

[reconstruction]

"Little" is often used as a term of endearment when referring to someone close, but Dean and I aren't close. I don't know what to think of that. In fact, I don't know why I came up in your conversation at all.

[he's doing this on purpose because, even if it isn't his business, he can't help that his programming made him curious by default.]

Are you romantically attracted to Dean?

[depressant]

i thought you might know why aurora is... unwell?

[ he can't explain dean's thought process, though — that's inscrutable.

he hesitates before answering, but it's his fault connor got dragged into this conversation, so. fair is fair. ]

yes.

he doesn't know, though.

[reconstruction]

Yes, that part was clear. I should have clarified: why my attractiveness came up in your conversation. I'm currently unaware of the cause of Aurora's malfunction. It could be a virus, but I think we're all in danger if she is affected by it.

Is there a reason that he doesn't know?

[depressant]

Well, it's like you said. The two of you aren't that close. If he's calling you "little" as a term of endearment, it might mean he's attracted to you. Which would mean by the same logic he might be attracted to me.

I can't ask him if he's attracted to me without giving myself away — But I can ask if he's attracted to you.

1. We have a long history. 2. I'm not sure if Dean is attracted to the same sex. 3. Romantic relationships aren't really a thing that he does.

That is to say, it's complicated.

[reconstruction]

I don't think I would consider "little robodude" a term of endearment. [well, what is it? he's been called a variety of names referring to how inhuman he is. robodude got lumped into them.] I wouldn't consider it at all. It's only a nickname.

It might feel complicated, but there is a simple solution. If you tell him how you feel, you wouldn't have to think about reasons 1, 2, or 3 anymore.

[_if: feelings
_then: honesty

that's simple, right? apparently not.]

[depressant]

you know what the first nickname he gave me was? dick with wings. don't sell yourself short.

[ actually, technically, it was "cas". but he's thinking of epithets, here, specifically. ]

but then he might be uncomfortable around me. and if he's uncomfortable around me, he might not let me get as close.

[reconstruction]

[what.]

Oh.

[understanding the workings of a heart is new. he's seen examples of different types of love; the Traci's, the love a father has for his son, the love that Markus has for androids and for North, the motherly love Kara has for Alice, but he's never experienced it. at least, he isn't aware that he has. there are a lot of types of love.]

Are you saying you would rather hide your own feelings for his benefit, or because of the potential risk?

[depressant]

[ in dean's defense, he was a dick with wings.

castiel has been in the same position. he didn't understand himself for a very long time. but he felt before he knew. it's gotten him tortured— nearly killed. abandoned, certainly, that's undeniable. his love hasn't been good for him. but he refuses to leave it behind, all the same. ]

both.

dean's not just my best friend. he's my only friend.

[reconstruction]

Have you thought about making more friends? I've made a few friends since I've arrived on Etraya. At least, I think I have. The people here can be very nice.

[granted most of the people he's made friends with have been children, plus Dean and Willa, but. he doesn't need to elaborate on that.]

I'll be your friend.

[depressant]

not really.

[ there are people back home he may have considered friends in the way one does when you're in regular life and death situations together, but that's different than seeking someone out and spending time with them on purpose. he and dean have both been incredibly isolated since bobby was killed — for his part, he doesn't know if he gave up on life or never started living in the first place. ]

you want to be friends with me?

well... okay. thank you.

[reconstruction]

Yes. I'm aware that friendship takes time, but I'd like to get to know you better. I'm sure I'm not the only one :)

[depressant]

friendship is strange.

[ if he's being honest. and why not? ]

relationships are strange. im not sure what you read when you looked me up, but angels aren't exactly the most personable species. ive only been living human for a little while, and under extreme conditions.

i mean, all of our worlds are in danger of ending, but mine is actively dying

[reconstruction]

I agree; humans are complicated. Emotions are complicated.

While I did pull information on angels in all religions, I don't think what I know is going to help me, especially in your case. I understand that you weren't designed for life among us, as I wasn't designed to be sentient.

You were put on that world to wait for it to end?

[depressant]

yeah, you're telling me.

it probably won't. and you're right — this body isn't mine, and angels aren't flesh and blood creatures. we exist on a different plain altogether, and can't interact directly with mortals without harming them. we were also never meant to feel. that's interesting, though. you weren't designed to be sentient? did your sentience develop by accident?

i was ordered to earth to begin the end, though i didn't know it at the time. heaven was as culpable as hell in planning the apocalypse.

the dean you know comes from a timeline where it didn't happen. that cas and dean stopped it.

[reconstruction]

You could say it was an accident. Androids began breaking through their programming - it's called deviancy. I was a prototype created to work with law enforcement and find out why it was happening. [and look where that got him.] I can explain it more another time, if you like.

[in retrospect, it's easy for Connor to understand the information that Castiel gives him. realistically, it's hard for him to feel he has a grasp on it. he's had to fight against all reasonable programming since arriving in Etraya, rewriting older codes for newer ones, evolving in ways he previously never considered. it's true: he and Castiel are more alike than he thought. two different kinds of machines.]

It must feel strange, the three of you being together at once. Do you have anything you'd want to ask the other Castiel?

[depressant]

i would. i don't know much about modern technology, mostly on account of not being on earth for the last 2000 years, but i'd like to know more.

[ programmable, rewritable — yeah, that sort of thing hits a little too close to home. he hasn't forgotten being ripped from his vessel and dragged back upstairs, tortured into compliance. or how it worked, for all of five minutes, before dean looked at him too long the right way.

wanting him to do the right thing.

and look where that got him. ]

a little.

ask him? i guess i'd like to know how things are going for us. for dean.

i'd like to know if he still feels the way i do. i started to develop these emotions when i wasn't supposed to, when i was still an angel, but everything is... more intense now than it used to be.

[reconstruction]

Oh, I can help you. If Dean doesn't coach you first, that is.

[there's a lot to catch up on.]

I understand. [for the first time, truly. intense is the right word for it. he's had to face a lot of emotions he previously was never supposed to feel or even consider.] There's a lot I still don't, of course, but I've found that talking about it helps. Even if it doesn't make sense.